Is People Pleasing Really About Pleasing Others?
People pleasing refers to when an individual struggles with boundaries, goes out of their way to “be there” for others even when it neglects their own needs, may feel the need to agree with everyone, or more simply put, those who might struggle to say “no”. People pleasers are known for doing whatever it takes to keep those around them happy and comfortable. It can be easy to assume that people pleasers are just caring and flexible individuals, and while this might be true, this behavior might actually not be completely about a desire to please others, and instead may be a manifestation of a much deeper issue.
What is People Pleasing About?
It’s helpful to understand people pleasing as a lack of security. This could mean a lack of emotional security in relationships or a lack of security in oneself. People pleasing is not a personality trait; it’s a learned behavior in response to this lack of security.
When a relationship does not have the proper conditions in place to be able to disagree, to respect each other’s boundaries, to normalize requiring space from one another, etc., it can easily start to breed discomfort and lack of safety for one or both parties involved. You may hear discomfort and fear when you ask a people pleaser “What do you think might happen if you set a boundary with them instead?”. While it’s normal to fear a particularly negative or invalidating response, it becomes people pleasing when we allow it to deter us from prioritizing ourselves and instead act to serve the other.
However, people pleasing may also occur within healthy relationships when there is not enough security within oneself. People who struggle with self-esteem might also struggle with people please out of a fear of not being “good enough” to show up authentically. Someone with an insecure sense of self might fear that their needs are too much or not valid. They may fear that what they bring to the relationship is not enough on its own, and therefore they have to go above and beyond to prove their worth.
Impacts of People Pleasing
People pleasing, although often counterintuitive to our own needs is, unfortunately, a behavior that is usually reinforced by those around us with signs of appreciation and praise. This behavior can help us avoid conflict, uncomfortable conversations, disappointing others, or even risking losing a relationship. For this reason, it is a difficult habit to break and to get comfortable with not doing. But that’s the thing… people pleasing prevents us from showing up in our relationships authentically. People pleasers often fear coming across as selfish, unkind, or harsh at the mere thought of putting themselves first, even when doing so respectfully. As a result of this fear, people who struggle with people pleasing are often at risk for burn out - frequently feeling emotionally taxed, exhausted, and unsure of how much longer they can continue to give for. However, it is possible to remain kind and thoughtful in your relationships while still prioritizing yourself when appropriate.
How to Stop People Pleasing
If you can identify with this way of being, feel worn down by it, and are feeling ready to show up in a different way in your relationships, here is where I recommend you start:
Identify a safe person to practice with: This is someone who you trust would have a positive reaction to you setting a boundary with them.
Start small: Choose a low-stakes situation where the chances of success are high, such as rescheduling dinner plans to better fit your schedule.
Gradually increase the difficulty: Once you have practiced boundary setting in these safe and low-stakes situations, you can continuously increase the level of difficulty. In time, you will find yourself more and more comfortable with expressing what you truly feel and need.
Unlearning these tendencies can be a long journey, but one that ultimately leads to more fulfilling and authentic relationships. The hard work is worth it.
If you are looking for additional support around boundary setting and decreasing people pleasing, feel free to reach out through this contact form so we can discuss how therapy can be of help on your journey.
